The Kids Speak Out

The Kids Have An Idea

The holidays are fast apporaching and kids usually get a lot of new toys.  Most parents work very hard in teaching their kids to be a "giver" - not just a "receiver".  At our "Kids Forum", the kids came up with a great idea and we polished it up to let other know about it. 

Explain to your kids that kids outgrow some of their games, books and toys just like they outgrow their clothes.  Have them go through their games, books and toys and put them in a "gift box".  If a toy is broken - throw it away or fix it.

Create a plan to do the following:

1.  Have parents help in cleaning the toys - don't give away dirty toys, books or games.

2.  Help the kids pick out a charity to give the toys, books or games to.

3.  Find a box to put each individual toy, book or game in - wrap the box in gift paper - put a ribbon on it.

4.  Write on the outside of the box if it is for a boy or girl and what age the kid should be to enjoy the gift.

5.  Have your kid write his/her name on a card tag like "Happy Holidays from Allison"

6.  Have the kid help put the gift boxes in your car, van or truck.

7.  Take the kid with you to deliver the gifts to the charity.

8.  On the way to the charity talk to your kid about how great he/she should feel giving another kid a gift during the holidays to make them very happy.

NOTE TO PARENT:  Don't overtalk it because you want your kid to grow up accepting the fact that being a "giver" is a normal part of life AND it is important, as a parent, to set the example by being a "giver" yourself.

Thanks kids for your idea and wanting other kids to be a "giver".

The Kids Forum

A mom e-mailed me to report she is a single parent, works full time and has 3 great kids.  Her question is:  "How do I find the time to listen and talk with my kids effectively when I'm trying to survive; feed and clothe the kids and keep us all healthy?"

Our panel of kids for "The Kids Speak Out" is working on this question and their recommendation plan will be published on this blog when they come up with an answer to this very important question.  Watch for it!  I delegated it to the kids because I believe they know how they want to be communicated with - we adults can only guess in most cases.

If you have a question you want the kids to answer, e-mail it to rosalie.lynch@insightbb.com and they will work on a response.

Kids & Loyalty

I learned the hard way about parents being loyal to kids and kids being loyal to parents.  Several years ago, I decided I should sit my two daughters down and talk to them about the topic we parents so often do not want to talk to our kids about - sex.

I had my two daughters to sit on the sofa and I sat in the arm chair just to the right of the sofa.  As I recall, one daughter was a sophmore in high school and my other daughter was in what they called junior high.

I was very nervous.  However, "When Kids Speak Out" with the truth, I hope most of you parents are sitting down as I was.

Kids: "Builders" or "Destroyers"

Do you recognize if you are raising your kid(s) to be our future "builders" or "destroyers"?  Kids give off clues what they are developing into by their actions, opinions and their thoughts - is anyone really listening?  I don't mean just the parents - how about you grandparents, aunts, uncles, clergy and teachers - are you listening for the clues?

In the movie "South Pacific" there is a song titled "You've Got To Be Taught"   Kids are taught (or not taught) to be a builder or a destroyer.  I do not mean that we adults set out to teach our kids the "builder/destroyer" concept.  It happens when their "normal" behavior methods (and all kids have them) of getting angry, yelling, being a bully, saying cruel things to each other and their parents, etc.  It happens when their "normal" behavior methods, that the kids learn so well to use. are performed and we adults say "Oh, it's their age - they will outgrow it."

Kids & Birthday Parties

Kids birthday parties are like weddings - they can be elaborate or they can be simple.  I wonder if the kids even notice their elaborate birthday parties or if the birthday kid is just happy spending his/her birthday playing with their friends - as they do at school or in their local neighborhood.

"The Kids Speak Out" panel of kids put together 3 important questions they would like their parents to ask them before planning their birthday party. They may be a surprise.

I went to a kid's birthday party over the weekend - at a bowling alley.  It was a lot of fun for the kids.  They took turns bowling - then went to a reserve party room with their very own "party pal" personnel provided to them from the bowling alley - they ate pizza and drank diet coke - opened presents - ate an ice cream cake - and each kid took home an individual goody bag provided by the birthday kid's parents.  Oh yes, the bowling alley had a T-Shirt for everyone in the party to sign and then the birthday kid got to wear it throughout his party.  It took about 2 hours.  It was a family affair - all the mommies stayed and the daddies joined the party which I thought was great!  I asked the mommy of the birthday kid "do you get to take home the left over pizza and ice cream cake?"  She quickly replied, "I'd better, it cost me enough money." By the way, the birthday kid looked like he was having a super great time with his very special friends.

Ice Cream Decision

During the first few years of a child's life, parents make all of their decisions for them.  This is certainly necessary.  However, there comes a point when the parents must teach the child to make "some" of their decisions so they will learn how.  Living with the consequences of the kids decisions may prove challenging.  I am a firm believer that about the first or second grade, kids may be given the privilege of making some decisions in their life.

One of the fun events in my grandson and my life is going to the ice cream parlor and ordering ice cream cones.  One day after school he wanted a small ice cream cone and I said OK.  All the way to the ice cream parlor he was talking about a small ice cream cone because he was not really very hungry.  He just could not decide on the flavor he would order.  I told him "it's your decision - you decide what you want".  I gave him the money and stayed in the car (he wanted to go in by himself, place the order and pay for it all by himself).  Before getting out of the car he asked me "what do you think I should get" and again I said "it is your decision".  I waited for him knowing it would be a hard decision for him.

When he came out of the ice cream parlor he was holding the largest ice cream waffle cone he could buy with Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.  My eyes were opened very wide as I said, "I thought you were going to buy a small cone!" His quick response was "Grandma, you said it was my decision and this is what I decided."  Oops!!  My only response was "you are right".  Of course, he only ate half of it and the other half ended up melted in the trash container.

After the left over ice cream was thrown away in the trash container, I asked him "Do you think you made the right decision on your ice cream cone?"  His response was "yes, I made the right decision; my stomach was just too small to handle all of that ice cream."  He continued to say, "my brain wanted it, but my stomach didn't."

I know parents would have probably handled this situation differently than a grandparent....like they know that their kid was not ready to make this kind of decision yet in his life.  I know he learned a very important lesson through this experience.  When we go to the ice cream parlor and we talk about our order - he always says, "I better check with my stomach to see how hungry it is."

If I had to do it all over again, I believe I would gone into the ice cream parlor with him and gently guided him to go with his first response of wanting a small ice cream cone instead of turning him loose on his own at the age of 6 and say "make your own decision."  At this young age we should let them make some of their own decision with guidance along the way...it would of saved me about three bucks (ha).

I Stopped Praying to God

I remember a "dialogue" I had a few years back with a fifth grader.  For some reason we got on the subject of prayer.  I asked her if she prayed (she and her family were Methodist).  She said, "I use to, but I don't anymore.  I still love God and know He is with me, but I don't waste my time praying to Him anymore".

Surprised by her response I asked her why she stopped praying.  Her reasoning was:  "I heard my parents praying that God would help them raise us kids better and to help them solve the problems they were having with us kids.  I always prayed to God that my parents would be patient with us kids and try to understand us."

I asked her to explain why that stopped her from praying to God.  She said, "God is going to answer my parent's prayer and ignore mine because they have more influrence with Him then I do so I stopped bothering God with my problems."

The only thing I could think to say to her is that I have always been taught that "Jesus Love the Little Children - All the Children of the World"...remember that song...and I am very sure that God is listening to her prayers.  I suggest that she asked her parents if they could have family prayers together.  She did not seem to be interested.

I wish I could trace down this young lady and ask her now that she is grown up if she is praying to God to help her raise her kids. 

Maybe that is the best reason to have "silent prayer" so kids don't get real confused.

Before Becoming Parents

Back in the 60's (when I got married) couples hardly ever talked about raising kids before they got married.  We just got married and then a few years later we became parents.  Today I believe couples are at least discussing some of the issues of being a parent and some couples have chosen not to have children and that is alright as well.  It is an awesome responsibility this thing called parenthood.

Our guest today is June Safty Odegard, L.C.P.C., Whitetail, Montana (406) 779-3339 (www.anotherwaycoaching.com) and her blog (www.should-we-get-married.com).  June will answer the question:  "before a couple gets married, what issues should they agree upon regarding parenthood" and "in all of your years as a marriage counselor, how often does the issue of parenting come up as one of the issues they cannot agree upon?" 

June says that parenting actually comes up quite often in marriage counseling, especially if it is a blended family situation which is so very common or almost typical in today's world.  They say it takes about seven years to completely blend "step families".  Therefore, it is absolutely critical that before a couple gets married or even discusses marriage that they talk about parenting and resolve not only anticipated concerns but typical issues that arise in all families such as custody arrangements, how ex-partners will be involved and how discipline with be handled.

If there are no children involved, it is necessary to first decide if they want children and if so when and how many children. It is often falsely assumed that both partners want children.

Next it is important to discuss such things as what faith they want to raise children in and will they raise their children as they were raised or completely different.  Will both partners work after a child is born and will they adopt if they can't have children.

Another conversation worth having is what type of discipline they will implement, what are each partner's strengths and weaknesses in parenting as well as how they hope to compliment each other.  In addition, how will they keep their relationship strong and passionate while raising a family and what changes will be the hardest to navigate?  It is also critical to discuss how having children will affect finances (will they need a bigger home, what about school and college plans, daycare, and even health insurance) and how they plan to accommodate those financial challenges.

Thank you June - your information is very valuable.  If you, as the reader, know someone anticipating marriage, refer them to June's sites and/or send them this blog.

Book Recommendation

I recommend a book that Ed Wimberly, PhD, wrote titled A Parent's Guide to Riasing Great Kids (which you may purchase from his website for $14.95 using PayPal).  Go to www.raisinggreatkids.com for your personal review.  He wrote a marvelous chapter in his book that you may read at www.raisinggreatkids.com/questions/q4.htm on "Do I Respect My Kids?"   Just listen to some of the other questions he answers in his book:

• Do I Respect My Kids?
• What Do My Kids Hear Me Say About them?
• Do I use Guilt to Get My Kids to Do What I Want?
• Do I make some of the Same Mistakes with my Kids that my Parents made with me?
• Do I excessively Protect My Kids?
• Do I Teach my Kids How to Laugh at Themselves?
• Do I Listen to my Kids?
• Do I Keep in Mind that it is normal for my Kids to Challenge My Authority?

He answers 21 of these these types of questions in his fabulous book.  I have never met the author nor does he know I am recommending his book; however, I may e-mail and invite him to look at this blog for his comments.

5 Ways to Show Your Kids Respect

In talking with kids they expect very little from their parents - really!  I asked them how parents could give them respect.  Their responses are simple, but I think they meet the kid's needs.

STEP ONE:  Kids love to talk and they love to have someone listen to them.  As you sit around the dinner table in the evening ask your kid "what happened to you today" and "what was the most fun you had today?"  It is important to keep it light. Kids do not necessarily want to hear your comments back to them - they just want you to listen.

STEP TWO:  They want their parents to show them courtesy and respect by saying "thank you" when they do something nice for you and "please" if you want something from them.  This shows the kids that you respect them the same way you want them to respect you - say it verbally.

STEP THREE:  When you have to discipline your kid they want to know and understand what they were doing wrong that caused them to be punished.   A yelling match and a spanking on the bottom without a "lesson to be learned" is nothing more than abuse.  The kids think it is the parent's responsiblity to explain to the kid why they are being disciplined.  Kids want to know their boundaries.  When they overstep their boundaries and get disciplined, without a clear understanding as to why, the lesson is not learned.  Kids said they don't mind being disciplined as long as know why!!

STEP FOUR:  Compliment, compliment, compliment.  By complimenting a kid you will build self esteen within your kid.  The one thing that I have noticed in interviewing kids is their lack of self esteem.  They are insecure little people and need reassurance every day that they are OK as a person.  Show them respect by complimenting them when they deserve it.  (When you receive a compliment as an adult, just take a moment to think about how it makes you feel - really good and more self confident - same is true with kids).

STEP FIVE:  We talk to our friends and relatives about our kids.  Show your kids respect by NOT talking about them when they can hear you talking about them.  Kids have big ears when they want to have big ears.  It feels to a kid like it feels to us if we hear other people talking to each other about us.  It does not feel very good.  It is like my grandson said to me once, "if my parents tell you anything I do wrong - just throw up your hands and say 'I don't want to hear about it'".  We need, as adults, to talk to our friends and relatives about our kids - it helps!  However, make sure your kids don't hear you.  This truly breaks down their self confidence and makes them think they are not OK.